


Phases.

by allinadayofiwaoi



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Also like kinda canon but also not, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Childhood Friends, Chronological Timeline, Cute, Drama, Feelings, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, I'll make it better I promise, I'm Sorry, Implied Sexual Content, It'll make sense, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru Fluff, Iwaizumi will be hurt, Just Bear With Me, Lovers, M/M, Making Up, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Oikawa Tooru is a Mess, Olympics, Pining, Rejection, Romance, Slow Burn, They shall make up!!!!, again I'm sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-17 15:13:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29352522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allinadayofiwaoi/pseuds/allinadayofiwaoi
Summary: Hajime always thought life was going to be breezy, that he'd be friends with Oikawa for all his life, they'd both enjoy life side by side, get wives and make cute little babies with them.But, boy was he mistaken.ORThe tragic life of Iwaizumi Hajime age 5-26.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 2
Kudos: 23





	1. Age 5 & 7

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Hayathi0577](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hayathi0577/gifts).



> A slow burn, time skip fic where I just hurt Hajime, my poor boy, he goes through a lot, so does Oiks but yeah.  
> Enjoy! I guess... 
> 
> P.S - I've posted age 5 and 7 here because they're both relatively small but from next chapter on, each age will get a separate chapter as it will definitely be longer. 
> 
> P.S.S - Expect daily updates, there's prolly gonna be a total of about 5 or more chapters so if I don't update tomorrow I'm probably dead.

**Iwaizumi was 5 years old when he met a boy at the playground.**

Hajime was busy with a little net in hand, donned in a small, slightly damp Godzilla T-shirt that he had begged his mum to get out of the washer as soon as possible because he had to “look cool catching bugs”. 

He noticed a massive blue beetle hanging off a leaf on a short plant andran as fast as his little legs could carry him towards it. Of course, he wouldn’t hurt it, he’d just catch it, admire it and then put it back. Hajime was a good boy, after all, his mother made it incessantly clear that he was to grow up to be a person that shows kindness to everyone, even animals.

“Hajime be careful! Don’t –“ 

His mother’s voice rang out through the park, but it had reached Iwaizumi’s ears a second too late and his whole person was knocked down with force, another body laid on top of him, puffs of breath escaping their lips.

“Oh no! I’m sorry!” An unfamiliar voice was heard.

Hajime only groaned in response, his right knee and left elbow had broken skin judging from the sting. He was quickly lifted up by his mother’s gentle hands.

“I’m okay, oka-san, just a small wound, Ooh! Can I get a Godzilla plaster for it?!”

His mum who was helping up the other person, seemingly a boy who was around Hajime’s age laughed in endearment, her voice like honey when she answered him.

“Of course, my little busy bee.” Her hand ruffled his thick, spiky raven locks, her jade eyes twinkling with love. She took out a wipe and tended to both their scratches and wounds when Hajime’s interest shifted to the other boy.

“It’s okay.” He mumbled.

“Huh?” The other boy’s large brown eyes were curious, his head tilting to the side causing his fluffy looking brown hair to tilt as well. He looked like a puppy and Hajime’s lips quirked up on their own accord.

“You said sorry, silly.” Hajime chuckled.

His mum had quietly taken her place back at her usual seat, deeming that both of them were fine and watched happily as her son interacted with someone for once.

“Ohhh,” he giggled then, “What’s your name? I’m Tooru! Oikawa Tooru. Oka-san says big boys are supposed to shake hands when they introduce themselves”. He then thrust his chubby right hand towards Hajime who promptly placed his own, equally chubby hands in Tooru’s hold. They shook their hands back and forth, left and right, neither of them quite knowing how this worked and how to end it.

“I’m Iwaizumi Hajime, you can call me Hajime, it’s okay. Can I call you Tooru?”

“Iwa-chan! Yes, you can call me Tooru!”

Hajime, not knowing that this nickname would stick around for too long, paid it no mind and allowed himself to be embraced by the excited little boy, even hugging back a little.

“We’re going to be best friends! I can tell.” Tooru said after he was done hugging Hajime like they didn’t just meet, and he didn’t just topple himself and Hajime over. Apologies and guilt all forgotten and ignored, they both smiled wide, toothy smiles at each other.

Iwaizumi agreed and nodded, like he would come to do a lot in the future with situations that concern Tooru.

“Wanna catch bugs with me?” Iwaizumi said, picking up his net that was momentarily forgotten and showing it to Tooru.

“Yes! Oh my god you like bugs too!? I like watching them from time to time. Come Iwa-chan, I found a place that has a lot of insects, it’s right behind that big log over there.”

Once again, Iwaizumi’s hand was enveloped in a warm, fleshy hand that pulled him with unexpected force.

Iwaizumi willingly let himself be pulled.

**Iwaizumi was 7 years old when he realized said boy meant a lot to him.**

When did Iwaizumi’s life become so that he never said no to his best friend? He wouldn’t know how to answer that even if his mother asked, even if he wanted to give an honest answer. For egotistical purposes, it didn’t mean that he made it obvious that he never said no to Tooru, it’s almost as if he liked listening to Tooru’s cry baby like whines, he really didn’t understand what was wrong with him. 

This was one of those instances.

“Iwa-chan pleeeaaase?”

“No, Tooru.”

“Pleaseeee, you didn’t even try it out yet!”

**“** You know I wanted to join the football club Tooru.”

“Yes, I know, but Volleyball is just so much cooler Iwa-chan! I want to be a setter; setters are so cool. You can be my spiker and we can be a dynamic duo forever. Isn’t that great Iwa-chan?”

“I don’t want to be a dynamic duo forever, you’re annoying, so I’ll be joining football.”

At that, Tooru’s glimmering eyes were vanquished but a smile still made its way on his face, he started walking a little faster, moving further away from Hajime while they walked home from the park; a tell-tale sign of annoyance and hurt.

Hajime only rolled his eyes at his hopeless best friend. It really didn’t take much for Tooru to start doubting himself. It was almost comical how confident he seemed to be; he really didn’t possess even an ounce of what he portrayed.

As a 7-year-old boy, Tooru had already gotten a massive growth spurt, he was the tallest boy in his batch but what he had in height, he lacked in strength and endurance. He was a skinny little boy, front teeth missing, looking quite the mess of things. He hadn’t quite grown into his nose either and his ears were too big for his face that already had some of the baby fat dissolved.

Hajime still thought his best friend looked the same level of adorable since they first met.

However, the boys at school didn’t seem to think so and Hajime often found himself frowning and walking in front of Tooru so that no one could jeer at him or make any funny faces. And for the most part, it would work because unlike Tooru, Hajime was a stout little boy, still quite chubby and had a protective personality, he was undeniably kind but unquestionably strong, mind and body both.

Hajime was also athletic, he ran the fastest, didn’t get tired very easily and was the teacher’s favourite, so naturally he had earned the respect of most kids. This came in handy when people teased his best friend, but Hajime wasn’t always around, kids bullied Tooru the minute he left the room and it seemed to have taken quite the fatal blow on Tooru’s self-esteem.

Years later, when Hajime was much older, he would think back and deem it safe to say that Tooru’s self deprecative behaviour stemmed from this issue at an unfortunately young age. But his façade of confidence and self-righteousness vanished when he was with Hajime, the both of them conditioned to each other’s emotions like a free-flowing river; little thoughts and emotion went unnoticed.

“Oi, slow down, I was joking! You’re still annoying…” he grumbled out, “but I wanna be a dynamic duo with you too!”

Tooru’s eyes lit up like Christmas had come early.

“Hang on! Hang on! Don’t give me that look! I didn’t say yes. Let’s go to yours so we can watch a volleyball match. I’ll decide after that if I’ll join you.”

Like mentioned earlier, this was one of his many attempts at hiding his everlasting caving and agreement with Tooru, he couldn’t possibly make it seem like he was so easily convinced! It didn’t matter that he was going to say yes anyway, that he’d already made up his mind about joining Volleyball when Tooru first asked, he just needed to humour himself a little at least. And as much as he really liked his best friend what fun would it be if he didn’t make his life a bit hellish?

As long at Hajime was there to lift him right back up and whack his bony shoulder for doubting himself, it would all be fine.

So, of course they went home together, of course they got swept up into a sport that would come to mean a lot for the both of them. A sport that would later become something they both willingly invited with open arms to their little duo, their bubble, their world.

The two of them could only watch wide-eyed and enamoured at the way the setter tossed the ball with almost scary precision to his ace who made a quick attack that stunned the opposing team, the audience and commentators to silence, five seconds of complete pin-drop tranquillity before the whole scene erupted into chaos. Everyone was screaming, blown away by a point that was snatched sans relent, with undeniable passion and pure want for the sport, pure determination.

And the team had won, the players all lifting up their setter and ace pair onto their shoulders before everyone just fell down on a heap, celebratory wailing and happy echoes of laughter filled the stadium, cheers from the audience erupted once more at seeing the team so elated.

A beautiful sort of chaos. Chaos that Hajime and Tooru had fallen in love with at that singular moment. The moment where they were fuelled with that same passion, that same want and that same determination that those two players showed.

They wanted that for themselves.

They looked at each other after that, both smiling, in silent agreement to what was going on in both their heads and to help each other get there, to make it big and to be by each other’s side when it happens. Shoulder to shoulder, fiery eyes colliding and the little voice in Iwaizumi’s head screamed _and hands clasped_ , they’d face the world, one set at a time.

And it will happen, it should.


	2. Age 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Early update for you guys because I woke up early and have nothing to do. :)

**Iwaizumi was 14 when his heart almost stopped because of the same boy.**

“Enoughhh, let’s go home, Oikawa, coach is gone too, let’s lock up!” A boy in their batch from the volleyball club in Daiichi bemoaned.

“You guys go on ahead then, I’ll stay with him.” Hajime, ever the reliable shoulder, stuck by his best friend’s side for as long as he can remember; today wasn’t going to be any different. But he wasn’t about to have everyone else suffer and miss out on their free time just because Tooru was fucking obsessive.

The boy was currently sweating up a storm, looking all the glory of a stinky, prepubescent teenager. Only, Hajime still thought he was the prettiest boy he had ever seen. He’d realized something was wrong with the way he looked at Tooru, he noticed how their batch mates weren’t this close with their best friends, weren’t as touchy-feely.

Hajime gazed at Tooru’s face. His cheeks flushed and brilliantly bright - the aftereffects of a sweaty workout. He wanted to brush away the damp locks that had stubbornly fallen back onto his forehead. His lashes occasionally brushed his now perfectly formed cheekbones, Tooru still looked ethereal to Hajime, prettier than any of the girls that seemed to be overly excited on the prospect of finding a boyfriend nowadays. Hajime hasn’t missed the way girls flit around and giggle when either himself or Tooru walked into a classroom, may it be together or separate. He really didn’t like it. Would take Tooru’s happy little giggles that he was blessed with whenever they had tickle wars over the high-pitched annoying sounds that girls made any day.

But he wasn’t perfect and like any teenager, he had panicked.

Once upon a time, in a fit of denial, he had tried distancing himself, not putting his arm around Tooru’s shoulder when they walked home together, not falling asleep on Tooru’s lap when it was break time, he’d pretty much cut out a whole portion of who they were together and Tooru had accused him of growing out of their friendship. Which then resulted in a massive fight leading to Hajime apologizing profusely and hugging Tooru while the other boy held on tight and scrunched Hajime’s jacket in his strong setter fingers.

Hajime could only helplessly watch from the side lines while Tooru beat himself up, tried to eat too much food to the point of upchucking so he could gain muscle, gain respect from his teammates. He could only watch while Tooru immersed himself unhealthily in a toxic cycle with volleyball. He practiced tirelessly every day, he poured all he had into it, his life was just over exertion at this point and it was getting absurd enough that Hajime needed to intervene soon, before something ominous happens. Hajime had no idea how to come about it, how to tell him that it hurts watching him do this to himself. He wanted to tell him that he was enough, that he already had his team’s respect, was already the best at volleyball, that he had people that had his back, that he had Hajime. But he didn’t know how to convey himself.

_Slam_

The battered volleyball made a harsh noise against the wooden floor of the court. The sound really was thunderous to Iwaizumi’s ears but Tooru’s exhausted breaths were louder. Because it wasn’t the type of exhales himself or the rest of the team made, not content little puffs of exhales and dragging inhales. No, this was more along the lines of how a person would breathe when they were in pain, when they could no longer support their bodies, couldn’t stand straight. It was a shaky, laboured mess.

Tooru’s fluffy hair was now flat on his head, fully submerged in sweat, rivulets of it fell from his chin, even his nose, it wasn’t a pretty sight, his knees looked unsteady and his club uniform had gone a few shades darker because of the dampness.

Hajime’s heart lurched in his chest, Tooru really was beating himself up, when will he ever be satisfied? Will he ever realize that he was already the best setter in the prefecture?

“Tooru.” Hajime’s voice was unspeakably soft, fond, now that his teammates are gone, and he can call Tooru by his first name.

He got no response, just another volleyball whizzing past his head.

A service ace. A successful service ace, one of many to come.

And even through his worries, Hajime could only wear a proud smile on his face. From their team, even the seniors, Tooru had the most success rate when it came to service aces, he was already a better setter than Hasegawa from the starting line-up. Hajime was convinced that Tooru wasn’t in the starting line-up just because coach was a sap and didn’t want to make the seniors feel bad. Afterall, for coach, this was fleeting, volleyball is just a fleeting thing, something that didn’t matter that much, even to his teammates. None of them had dreams that girthed more than they could carry, none of them wanted to touch the skies, not like Tooru.

Hajime was glad Tooru was working for what he wanted but he wasn’t happy about how obsessive he’d gotten, how little he believed in himself. Surely, he must realize that the way he was mistreating his body would be looked down and cringed at by professional athletes.

Or maybe... maybe those athletes would relate, would understand what Tooru is feeling, why he’s pushing himself so much. They’d probably tell him that they themselves had once been young and dumb, just like Tooru, giving their bodies pressure that was completely unnecessary, completely avoidable just to get as good as they are right now. But, just like how when you read a book once, twice, thrice, you learn something new each time, something you missed out the first time you read it, but when you read it the fourth time it’s mundane, nothing new, nothing exciting and you cease to see the value in it. That’s what was happening with Tooru right now. Sure, practicing everyday would condition his motor skills, build his figure, his muscle memory and his endurance but like how most people say; too much of anything will only lead to disaster. And Tooru was slowly but surely paving the path for that impending doom, sooner or later, something would happen to Tooru, maybe he’d faint, maybe he’d tear a ligament, maybe, maybe, maybe... someday.

And unfortunately for Hajime, that someday, that sooner or later was now.

Hajime watched in shock from the side lines, heart silent and still but head spinning a mile a minute as his best friend collapsed before his eyes.

“TOORU!”

But it was too late, Tooru had already fallen, already laid on the floor, eyes closed but chest rising and falling.

Breathing, still breathing.

His knees made harsh contact with the polished wooden floor when he knelt next to Tooru and started shaking his shoulders. Tooru’s entire body was limp, it moved with Hajime’s forceful movements, but the boy didn’t groan, moan, didn’t flutter his lashes, didn’t move his hands. He didn’t quirk his lips up in humour like he did when he played games with Hajime, pretending to be hurt just for kicks, just to see Hajime fuss over him.

Hajime wished he did.

“Tooru! Tooru, wake up! Stop playing with me, wake the fuck up!”

“Tooru!”

“Get up!”

But he was only greeted with his pained echoes.

Hajime gathered himself, tears sprung out of his eyes, he didn’t even try to hide the choked sob that followed, it percolated, echoed off the walls of the court almost teasing Hajime, reminding him of what he could have done. How he could have prevented this without just watching Tooru do what he did to himself. How he could have spoken up, voiced his thoughts, even whacked him to beat the sense into him if he had to, he could have, but he didn’t. He wasn’t even there to break his fall, he was too far, too immobile, always too inadequate, just short of being _there_.

Hajime would beat himself up about this till the end of time, always thinking, always guilty.

But he didn’t have time for his thoughts right now, his body had already moved, lifting his friend’s limp body into his arms. Tooru weighed a feather to him.

Hajime was lightheaded as he screamed once he stepped out of the court. His sturdy legs carrying both their weight, him running as if his life depended on it... It kind of did.

He yelled for help; it was already falling dark, the stars making their happy, twinkling appearance, even through the grim of Hajime’s heavy heart, even through his pained voice, through Tooru’s closed eyes.

He brushed his hand through Tooru’s hair as he ran towards the principal’s office, he didn’t have a phone on him, there wasn’t a communication anywhere close to be able to contact the hospital, and it was too far for him to run to, to make it in time.

“Hey, you’re gonna be okay, I’m right here with you, hold on. I’m here, I’m here, I’m here. I’ll always be here.”

He zipped past the startled principal’s assistant and went straight for the main door.

At the sudden intrusion, Mr Kato looked surprised, then angry and then worried after seeing an immobile boy in his arms.

“Sir, he-.”

He seemed to understand immediately and dismissed him with a comforting smile.

“Don’t worry Iwaizumi, I’m calling the hospital right away. Wait outside.”

At that, Iwaizumi’s shoulders sagged in relief and he walked out of the office, steps, heart and throat heavy as he sat down in one of the waiting seats, Tooru still in his lap. His body stretched across the length of the couch, head in Iwaizumi’s lap, still very much passed out.

He’d push through, Hajime knew he would, he had to.

Hajime’s lips wobbled, he was free-falling at such a young age, gradually, he had willingly let himself slip off the ledge.

He was falling, falling, still falling with no ground to reach, not a single cloud to soften the impact when everything eventually crashes. When the castle that Tooru and himself had so tirelessly built collapses with its entire foundation in shambles, it was unavoidable, just the inevitable.

Hajime wasn’t strong enough to hold it all in, like a broken damn, he’ll let everything go, put everything out in the open once the pressure builds, too powerful to hold the unstill waters that were his heart, his feelings, emotions and memories.

Minutes later, the principal walked out of his office.

“Iwaizumi, I’ve called the ambulance, it’ll be here in a minute and I’ve taken the liberty to inform Oikawa’s parents, they’ll be arriving straight to the hospital. Go home and rest, Oikawa will be fine.”

“That won’t be necessary sir, I’m staying right here.”

He always would, he’d be damned if he didn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys had a good read! Next update shall arrive tomorrow. Await with patience. :')


	3. Age 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey heyyy, I present to you the update for today! Happy reading :)

**Iwaizumi was 15 when he really did have to beat the sense into said boy.**

After the whole incident last year, Iwaizumi had taken the time to sit down with Tooru and talk to him about over-working himself. Tooru had agreed to his conditions, what with his passing out, he had no points he could pitch against Hajime’s argument and reasoning. He could only hang his head and nod, guilty for what he had put Hajime through.

So now, Iwaizumi watched Tooru like a hawk and whenever he wasn’t around, Tooru’s mum was always on guard. It was like a silent agreement between them. _I’ll keep an eye on him at school and other places, you keep an eye on him at home._ But either way, Hajime had all the more reason to excessively stick to Tooru’s side like a koala bear.

Attached at the hip; like they always were.

Currently, Hajime was watching Tooru make yet another service ace. He saw Kageyama, their kouhai watch Tooru’s movements with silent wonder.

Everyone else on the team had quietly filed out of the court, training had come to an end. Just the three of them remained.

Hajime and Tooru had made a deal, just an extra 20 minutes of practice for Tooru’s jump serves, no more than that and if Hajime felt that Tooru had had enough practice for the day, he was allowed to drag the boy home by his ears and Tooru wasn’t given leeway to complain. It was an agreement that Hajime really had to guilt Tooru into, for passing out and traumatizing the living daylights out of him.

Today, however, Tooru was in one of his moods.

Hajime had picked him up from his house in the morning to be greeted with a sour expression and a simple nod to acknowledge his presence. Hajime hadn’t pressed Tooru, knew that he’d speak if he wanted to, so he silently walked by his friend’s side, steps in sync but thoughts in total disarray.

Their shoulders had touched at one point, Hajime had recoiled instinctively from the touch, uncomfortable with the pleasing jolt that ran down his right hand. The motions hadn’t gone unnoticed by Tooru and his surly face turned even more bitter. Throughout the day, he was a man of little words, wholly out of character for a usually chipper boy like Tooru.

Even during break time, Tooru quietly ate his bento, didn’t steal Hajime’s food like he usually did which meant Hajime couldn’t eat Tooru’s mum’s egg roll either.

Exasperated, he had pushed his bento towards Tooru, expecting him to look up at Hajime or say something or just snatch something out of the box. But Tooru did no such thing, just ate quietly, paying no mind to Hajime’s antics.

Patience running thin, he brought his hand forward and hit Tooru across the head to which he finally got a reaction.

“Ow Iwa-chan!”

“Snap the fuck out of it you big baby,” He pushed his bento closer, “Eat. Ma packed extra for you.”

“You’re only offering because mama made egg rolls... As if I don’t know your ulterior motives Iwa-chan, you brute.”

“Fuck you, that means you knew and didn’t offer.”

“Can a man not be moody in peace?!”

“Man? Pffttt, yeah okay.”

“Shut up Hajime, we both know you respect me and my efforts. I’m more man than you’ll ever be.”

“You scream like a banshee when you see a cockroach.”

“Iwa-chan, they can fly! FLY! They look disgusting I don’t know how you capture them, let alone go close to one.”

“There we go, you just proved my point. ‘Man’ my foot. I still don’t understand why you only hate cockroaches; you don’t mind other insects.”

“The others are different, if you look long enough, most are cute even, but cockroaches are just...” He shivered then, his whole body contorting in disgust and Hajime had laughed.

This boy was on of a kind and Hajime loved all of him.

But once the bantering had fizzled out, the light in Tooru’s eyes faded too, going back into a corner, a shell, shut off.

Hajime sighed, it was just going to be one of those days, he had tried and failed to get the boy back to normal, but he’d be fine tomorrow, so Hajime had brushed it off.

“Oikawa, maybe we should head out now.” Gentle as a breeze, his name left Iwaizumi’s lips.

Said boy was once again sweating, the years playing volleyball had done him well. He was skinny but lithe, the thin t-shirt not helping in the concealing process now that it was damp. All round just making poor Hajime’s head spin. His strange feelings hadn’t vanished, and Hajime had heavily failed on the prospect of getting his emotions in check. His heart still beat too hard in his chest, same as last year, if not even more whenever he saw Tooru every morning or when their skin touched. He flushed red every time Tooru stripped off his school uniform in the locker room, quickly turning the other way around so his best friend couldn’t see his pink cheeks. It seemed illegal really, looking at him bare chested and feeling butterflies in his stomach, like he wanted to touch and be touched all together. It seemed unfair, unjust and peculiar. So, Hajime, like any boy would, tried his best to shut it all out, forget it existed.

“Okay, Haj- Iwa-chan.” He collected himself once he noticed the other presence in the room, watching.

No one called Iwaizumi by his first name, not even Tooru when they were in public. It had become some sort of deep dark secret and a taboo to say it out in the open. Their names were always whispered in private with tender emotion, when it mattered, when they really wanted each other’s attention. It was almost an unspoken verdict among the two of them, Hajime didn’t know when it started, were it stemmed from. But they had always been like this, always close, maybe too much so. Their relationship was out of the ordinary, unlike other best friends Hajime had come to notice. There was almost a toxic sense of co-dependency between them, they were always, always together, a package deal.

Hajime knew how Tooru felt about this kouhai of theirs.

He was naturally gifted, an obvious rising star. He didn’t have to work as hard as Tooru, didn’t need to put in as much effort to get to his end goal. Even at this point in time, being two years younger than Hajime and Tooru, he was scary good, almost as good as Tooru. With the right coaching, the kid would definitely go places. Would have his path paved through pure genius, unadulterated brilliance that he was so generously gifted with.

Hajime had noticed the way Tooru’s lips curled in annoyance whenever Kageyama tried speaking to him or Iwaizumi. The way he sneered when he so much as took an innocent step towards them, by the way things looked, Hajime would be surprised if Tooru wasn’t angered if the kid breathed a little too loud.

“Oikawa-san, can you teach me how to serve?”

Oh no.

Iwaizumi might as well have seen Oikawa’s vision go black, could see that Oikawa wasn’t thinking straight, he might as well have seen the steam rising from his head.

In a fit of _something_ , Oikawa looked like something of a monster when he advanced towards Kageyama with his hand raised, violent steps towards his own ruination, something he’d regret, something that would traumatize him when Iwaizumi sat him down and spoke to him in the calm of their minds.

Hajime moved quickly to block the blow, he didn’t think Tooru would have done it, but it was better being safe than sorry.

“Oikawa, stop!”

Hajime watched his gaze drift to his hand that was gripping Tooru’s forearm. He saw his eyes clear, his pupils going back to normal, his whole body drooped in exhaustion, not from playing too much but rather by being released from his internal turmoil. 

“I- I’m sorry.”

Hajime gritted his teeth in response and let go of the arm he had been clutching.

“Kageyama, go home.”

He put up no arguments.

“Okay, Iwaizumi senpai.”

And as Kageyama took his steps towards the door, Hajime’s patience followed.

“What in the fuck where you thinking?! Are you insane?!”

Oikawa flinched.

“I-.”

“Give yourself some credit, you need to stop losing your cool like this! What if coach saw you like this? The team?”

“How am I supposed to give myself any credit when I deserve none of it huh? How should be feeling when I got swapped out for that brat? I’ll never be good enough.” As he said these words, his resolve seemed to crumble bit by bit, building blocks fell, one by one.

“You were only swapped out because you weren’t being yourself on the court. And it was one game Oikawa, just one of the many you’ll play and come up victorious from. You’re such an asshole why don’t you see what your team sees? Why don’t you realize that your good, that you bind us all together? When the fuck will it ever get into your thick skull?”

“But I keep losing Hajime! I always lose, be it to Wakatoshi or people like Kageyama, they’re naturally so good! How am I supposed to keep up?!”

Iwaizumi’s anger flamed.

_BAM_

Hajime’s head made harsh contact with Tooru’s forehead and the boy would have fallen if it weren’t for Hajime’s hand gripping his arm.

“Ouch Iwa-chan!”

“ _I_ this, _I_ that, when is it ever going to be _we_ and _us_? Do you not realize that there are six people on the fucking court? Did you even start to think about how six people are stronger than one? You can’t do this alone Tooru, this is game that needs team spirit and if you want to go places, focus on becoming a good setter, a good captain before you fucking compare yourself to the ‘naturally gifted’. 

Oikawa’s eyes were wide, as if a fuse had gone off and his lips stretched into a small smile, a genuine one.

Those twinkling brown eyes looked at Hajime.

“Six people on the court are stronger than one...”

Suddenly, there were arms enveloping his torso, pulling him towards Tooru. In seconds, Tooru’s head was buried in Hajime neck, fingers customarily clutching at Hajime’s jacket. Hajime hesitated before he hugged him back, arms winding tight around Tooru as he let out a content exhale.

"I feel like I can take on the world." The words were meekly whispered into his neck, guilty shivers ran along his spine.

“...Idiot. You’re the biggest dumbass I know.”

But even as he said this, he was smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, I am sincerely sorry but I can't upload a new chapter tomorrow, I don't think I can, I'll try my best though!


	4. Age 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the almost two day delay! I was really busy :/  
> N E WAYS, happy reading!

**Iwaizumi was 18 when said boy reached through his ribcage and painfully squeezed his heart.**

This was getting unbearable.

Iwaizumi was exhausted, he wanted out.

Every fucking time Tooru so much as looked him properly, his stomach would drop, legs went wobbly, cheeks hot and even his toes would curl. One single person should not be able to hold that much power in their hands, Hajime was going to throw a fit.

And he was with Tooru a lot, too fucking much for Hajime to handle, he really did feel like jumping into a pool of ice-cold water and just staying there until his body went numb and unresponsive to stimuli. How do people even handle being in love? That shit was absolute torture! With his best friend no less, and a guy at that. Just the cherry on top of the fucking cake.

But as much as he wanted to wrap his arms around Tooru and confess to him, hold his soft cheek and kiss his soft looking lips, he was afraid. He couldn’t be more nervous, more anxious, not just his pride, but his heart, his future and his long-lived friendship with the one person that actually mattered... Everything was riding on this.

Hajime could only wish that he was straight, life would have been so much simpler, so much more of a breeze. As if college applications and decisions of what he wanted to do with his life wasn’t enough of a brain twister and an emotional roller-coaster, God just said ‘wait there’s more’.

Hajime’s brain procured many different ways on which he could harm his memory, maybe if he got Mattsun to serve a volleyball at his head at mean force or if he just banged his head against a wall repeatedly or... Or even get into a mild car accident and purposely harmed his brain. That way he could just get amnesia and forget completely, remove the part where his brain went berserk every time Hajime’s eyes registered Tooru’s frame, erase the nights where he stayed up thinking about him, oh what a dream that would have been.

If only it were that easy. 

But for now, though, Hajime was stuck in the toxic holds of painful, pining love.

“Hajime.” Tooru’s quiet voice pierced through the darkness in his room and his thoughts, his chest churning uncomfortably by the way his first name was uttered, whispered, but it was so loud, so resounding to Hajime’s ears.

Easing his breathing, he replied.

“Hm?”

He turned his head to look at Oikawa to see the boy on the futon, his hand crushing the fabric that was lifting up the blanket.

It was a silent invitation; for Hajime to join him.

He sighed and moved from his bed, getting up and flopping down next to Tooru, but he settled with his back facing the boy, he wouldn’t know what he would do if he looked at Tooru right now. His heart was already beating out of his chest being this close, it hurt not being able to reach out and touch him, appreciate him even when he was this close, but he was so far, farther away from Hajime’s grip than he’d ever been. Hajime wouldn’t touch, he wouldn’t dare, so he tries to act cool and composed, just best friends, that’s all they’ll ever be.

“Hajime.” This time as the word was uttered, Tooru’s hand circled his bicep and pulled, wanting Hajime to face him. He sighed in exasperation. This boy really doesn’t make life easy for him, it didn’t help that he couldn’t say no to him, _wouldn’t_ , especially when he sounded so open, so vulnerable.

He shuffled, lifting the blanket so he could move his body, face his love, face the beauty that was his impending doom.

Once he had, the most difficult feat was looking Tooru in the eyes, opening his eyes to see the comforting brown eyes brimming with love for him, there was indeed definite love, but it was not the type of love Hajime wanted from him, not what he craved, he was convinced he’d never have that.

His eyes adjusted to the lighting, the moonlight from the open window mingling beautifully with the natural contours on Tooru’s face as if that was it’s one singular job, its sole purpose. Hajime’s heart squeezed painfully tight after registering the soft and sharp features alike on Tooru’s face contorted in what looked like genuine discomfort, fear.

Thinking he was the reason, his eyes went wide, and he tried to move away, he’d gotten too close for comfort.

“No wait! Where are you going?” His hand reached for Hajime’s face, steadying him, easing his widened eyes.

“You just.. You looked so uncomfortable, I thought it was because I got too close.”

He got a sigh and an eye roll at that.

“Hajime, we’ve known each other forever, I make more physical contact with you than my own mother or sister. You were right though, I am uncomfortable, but not for the reason you thought. I’m just- I’m scared Hajime, so scared. Argentina is so far, how will I survive? I won’t have you either and it all just terrifies me.”

Hajime reached over, almost hesitating but deeming that Tooru needed this, he gently rested his hand over Tooru’s neck, using that as a bit of a leverage, he shuffled to where he rested earlier. He felt Tooru’s skin rise where he touched, but he paid it no mind as the boy exhaled, long and breathy. 

“You don’t need me, you’ll be fine, you’re strong enough for it and if anyone can, it’s you because your love for this sport is greater than your discomfort and your indecision. Besides I’ll only be a few hours away, you can always visit me if it gets too much, or I can visit you... whichever is more convenient at the time, I guess.”

Tooru looked at him and calculated concentration.

Then, his thumb smoothed over Hajime’s cheekbone and his eyes closed in quiet contentment, it was a simple motor movement, he didn’t even know he did it. Only when Tooru’s exhale ghosted over his eyelids did he realize he still had his eyes shut, body lax and at the boy’s mercy.

He opened them again, to be greeted with the most genuine, most gentle smile Tooru had ever worn on his face, it was soft, almost invisible to the untrained eye, but Hajime was certainly not untrained. He noticed the smallest things about Tooru; the little crinkle at the end of his right eye when he smiled a real smile at him or his family, the small birthmark that rested right under his jaw, the freckles that only came out to play in summertime, or even the smallest specs of auburn in his eyes... So many more that he could list off and so much more he wanted to learn about Tooru, alas, he didn’t know if he’d ever be lucky enough to know so much.

He shouldn’t notice these things.

This moment, this wasn’t his.

He shouldn’t cherish it or commit it to memory because Tooru wasn't his.

And he shouldn’t touch what’s not his, not with his feelings involved.

So, he detached his hand from where it rested on Tooru’s neck, bringing it to his chest and leaving it there, nothing to grab but the sheets.

However, he didn’t dare move himself away from Tooru, he wouldn’t remove Tooru’s hand from his face because as much as it hurt, the harsh truth was that even though Tooru was not his, Hajime’s entire body and soul was his, painfully so.

“You’re my only constant Hajime, words really can’t express how much you mean to me, I’ll miss your tough love, your snark and just you in general.”

And as if to hurt Hajime just a little further, he uttered his next words.

“Come here Hajime, let me hold you for one night? Please?”

God, no. Why? Just why? How is he supposed to say no? How can he express how much Tooru is hurting him? How can he tell him just how much he doesn’t know? Just how much Hajime had dreamed of holding the boy in his arms and waking up tangled together? How can he speak up and tell him that when he imagines finally holding Tooru, that they’d both be together, partners, a couple?

He doesn’t.

He only nods helplessly.

He lets himself be dragged closer, Tooru’s strong arms winding around his torso but his heart was still, steady because this was nothing to be excited about, it just hurt.

He was too close, but Tooru seemed to revel in the warmth as his breathing evened out. Hajime watched, eyes wide open, absorbing a view he would never get to see again.

Because in that moment, with a sort of steely determination, he decided.

He’d tell Tooru tomorrow, he’d tell him everything.

He couldn’t bare it anymore, every second of every minute he spent with Tooru chipped away at his life and he didn’t want that, not with his best friend. Not with the person that mattered most in his life. He’d either get rejected or by Hajime’s lucky stars Tooru would like him back. But he knew Tooru wouldn’t leave him if the former happened.

So, it was okay, it would be fine because as long as he had even a fragment of his best friend, he’d be fine, it’d be enough to survive.

He’d live with whatever Tooru had to say.

And with that thought in mind he let himself drift off into unsteady sleep.

* * *

Hajime, like expected, had woken up with Tooru’s head on his chest, legs tangled together. He was sound asleep, his hair spilled and sprawled all over Hajime’s t-shirt, some of it falling over his eyes. Hajime desperately wanted to run his hand through the locks, see if it actually was as soft as it looked.

Instead, he reached for Tooru’s shoulder and shook because he didn’t think he’d be able to bear looking at his peaceful sleeping face any longer. It felt too intimate.

“Mnn. Iwa?”

“’Mornin. Get off me.”

“...Fivemoreminutes.”

After he said that he fully buried his face in Hajime’s chest and extended his arm, draping it across Hajime’s waist, tightening.

Hajime just laid there, wanting to melt into him but stayed taut, uncomfortable because he was too comfortable, what a joke his life had become.

Not even three minutes passed before Tooru huffed and lifted himself off the bed.

Like nothing happened; nonchalant.

Hajime watched as he sloppily walked himself out of his room, probably to the bathroom.

He sighed.

Today.

Hajime’s heart filled with dread.

It wasn’t even half an hour later that they were both ready and was walking to Matsukawa’s house. Since it was a Saturday and the last day of school was Monday, they had agreed to meet up and spend the day.

But Hajime didn’t think he could wait that long, he wanted this off his chest.

They didn’t get too far away from Iwaizumi’s house when he spoke up.

“Wanna go to the park before we head to Mattsun’s place?”

“Hmm? Why so suddenly? We haven’t been there since forever.”

“Yeah, I know, just humour me for now.”

“Alright then” Oikawa said bemusedly.

Once they did get there, Hajime took the liberty to sit down on one of the small swing sets so naturally Tooru followed and sat opposite him, slowly moving back and forth.

It was peaceful, windy, the only sounds were the rustling of leaves and the creaking of Tooru’s swing.

He looked at Tooru.

“Hey, look at me.”

Tooru chuckled, albeit nodding.

“Mhm, alright, so serious Iwa-chan.”

“I’m gonna tell you something, and I need you to promise me that you won’t think of me when you answer, I want you to answer me upright, it doesn’t matter if it’s harsh, be selfish. I owe you that much at least. You’re allowed to react any way you want to; you don’t owe me anything. Okay?”

At this, Tooru frowned.

“But Hajime... what-.”

“Promise me.”

Hajime could almost see the gears turning in Tooru’s head, his brilliantly brown eyes dulled with nervousness. Nevertheless, he nodded, and Hajime took a deep breath before he let go.

All those walls he built up... With just a few words, they’d all come crumbling down, leaving Hajime vulnerable and shamefully bare.

“I- I know we’ve been best friends since we met. And I also know how close we are, you know how much I love you, I understand that I don’t say it but I know you know just how much you mean to me. Just like you said last night that I was your one true constant, you’ll always be mine too. You’ll always be my anchor, my own little saving grace, no matter what happens today, right now, even the memories we share together would be enough to keep me going.”

Tooru interrupted him, he sounded breathless, _scared_.

“Hajime... Hajime why are you speaking as if we’re never going to see each other again?”

“Let me speak Tooru, please, you’ll understand. But before I say what I want to say, I just want you to know how fucking proud of you I am, I watched you grow up Tooru, I know what you went through to get to where you are right now. And no matter what you say, the team wasn’t up to par with you, we’re a great team, but none of us are good enough for you. We can’t bring out the best on you like you do to us, you belong with bigger, greater things; people that share your aspirations, to make it big someday on court, emerge victorious. But I’m not sorry, because we _, I_ , helped you get to where you are and I’m proud of myself for that, for being someone worth your time, someone who was by your side every step of the way.”

He paused for a moment, gathering his thoughts, his courage, not once looking at Tooru’s face, he couldn’t _dare_. And then he continued.

“And I guess what I’m trying to say is that you’ll do great things, you’ll find people on your wavelength. You belong in the spotlight, always have and always will. I want to see you on the Olympic courts one day, and I want you to win, for me, for the team and for your family because I know you can, if it’s anyone, it’s you. And I’ll be the man that stands by your side while you do all of it, I’ll be right there, if you’ll have me.”

Hajime found it in himself to let out a chuckle, his heart already felt lighter, like he could float.

“And judging by your lack of response, I think you know exactly what I’m getting to, of course you would, you’re not stupid, even someone as oblivious as you should be able to realise by now.”

And with one final inhale, he handed his heart to Tooru’s quivering hands.

“I like you Tooru, actually no, fuck that, I’m sorry but I’m in love with you. Fuck, I have been for as long as I can remember. And I don’t know whether to hate you for it or just love you a little more. I really am sorry for dumping this all on you like this, I know it’s not the right place or the time. And once again, don’t feel obliged to say anything that might ease my heart. I’m surprisingly ready for whatever you have to say so say whatever. I’m ready for it.”

Hajime finally found it in himself to look at the boy, he had nothing to lose anymore, if Tooru decided to drop the pulsing heart in his hands, then that was that. First loves are always so nasty, almost every adult ever says that, and he finally understood but he also didn’t. Because most of them... Most of them were the typical boy meets girl, boy falls in love and things don’t work out because they don’t try enough. But things for him weren’t that simple, he was in love with his best friend since 5, pined after the same boy since before he even knew what he was feeling, before he knew what love is, before he even came to know such a concept existed in this world.

But regardless of the steadfastness that Hajime liked to display, he was only human. Just a dumb little boy madly in love and he still had hope. Hope that maybe, just maybe, Tooru might actually say yes to him and they could be happy together, like a normal couple, he longed for it, so much that it was pathetic, shameful almost.

Hajime only saw a blank face save for the tears that steadily ran down along it, gathering at his chin and accelerating its way down his neck to finally become one with his hoodie. He felt his heart break a little because he caused that, he made him cry, he hurt him.

Tooru’s hand came forth, as if to reach out and touch Hajime’s face but he pulled back, and Hajime’s body shrank with the motion.

This doesn’t seem good. If Hajime could judge anything, it was Tooru’s endless emotions, and this was nothing good, not wanted or needed, but welcome, nonetheless.

“Hajime.”

“It’s okay Tooru.” A gentle smile broke out on his face, concealing the turbulent turmoil that surged within him. Tooru’s next few words could make or break him, but he was ready for it, readier than he’ll ever be.

“I’m sorry.” The brunette only whispered.

Hajime’s stomach dropped and he looked away, biting his lip as hard as he could to numb this feeling, whatever _this_ was.

He heard movement and in the next moment, he had a hand at his knee, a figure fell down in front of him.

“Look up at me Hajime.”

He didn’t.

“Hajime, look at me.”

And he did, because who was he to say no? But in that instant, he regretted it, he regretted listening to Tooru, for the first time in his life, he wished he didn’t.

Tooru’s face was damn near wet with tears, they were still flowing, his nose red and cheeks pink, long lashes stuck together, elongating them even further. But the light in his eyes were gone and they were full of sadness when he looked Hajime in the eyes. The sight was like a blow to his gut, he never wanted to see Tooru like this, not because of him or anyone or anything else, it only amplified on the hollowness in his chest, made him just a little more aware that things weren’t going to be the same anymore.

A hand came to rest at Hajime’s cheek, cupping it. With wobbling lips, the boy uttered the words that would carve out his insides.

“I don’t think of you that way, I won’t say anything to make it better because I know you and I know nothing will help. Only that I’m still here and I’m not running away because I’m not scared and you’re not going to lose me over this, our friendship is not so fickle. And I won’t offer to give you space because I know that’s the last thing you’ll want.”

At that, Hajime’s resolve crumbled, his eyes blurred, contorting his sight of the boy in front of him.

He nodded his head, he didn’t know what to do with his body, so he kept nodding, looking down at his lap. His hands squeezed at his sweatshirt, it felt as if though someone had snatched the entirety of his heart away from him and stomped on it.

“I’ll give... I’ll leave you for a while, I’ll be back, though.” The hand cupping his face finally left after wiping off a stray tear with a brush of the thumb.

Years of borderline obsession with Oikawa Tooru of all people, how was Hajime ever going to recover from this?

He bit his lip some more, drawing blood, it felt good because he felt it, the sharp sting of _something_ to make up for the lonely heart that lay tossed aside on the ground, near that same log from ages ago.

But.

He’d push through, he had to, for himself and for Tooru.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed, I'll try to whip up a chapter by tomorrow but I doubt I'll be able to do it so quickly because this bitch has a penchant for droning and just making everything dramatic so I don't think I'll be able to write all of it in one day hehe.  
> Don't forget! Patience is a virtue!


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